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06 Jun

I haven’t written much on my blog in quite some time (and the news I have to share today is not really all that great).

Much has happened in the last few months. I turned fifty-four (54) on March 12th; Mom passed away the day after. I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt since her passing, feeling as though I really did not do nearly enough for her since Dad passed on February 15, 2005. Anyone following my life can see that I’ve been preoccupied with trying to find my happinesss since my late teens. I moved to Dallas, TX in December of 1984 because it was a larger city and I thought I might be able to lose myself and find the “man of my dreams” here. (I didn’t; I’ve always had shitty taste in men and every relationship I’ve ever been involved in has been… well, they’ve progressed from crappy to abhorrent over the years.)

I feel like a failure. I feel as though I’d have been much better off if I’d spent more time focused on making memories with my own family rather than “looking for happiness outside of that core group.”

And now both of my parents are gone; so too are my grandparents. Left are the brother I grew up with (Wayne) whom I love dearly and another brother (Jimmy). The sister I once had has passed on from liver disease (we did not even know she’d been given six months to live — and she made it four) and now I’m finding out that her oldest daughter is pregnant and due in December.

Oh, and I lost my job about 2-1/2 weeks after Mom passed away. Yeah, it’s been a pretty shitty few months and I’m depressed as hell, trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

The depression has been severe enough at times that I’ve been suicidal … but I’m here.

What the future holds, however, is anybody’s guess. I suppose it goes without saying (it’s obvious to anyone listening to the news today) that our world is falling apart here in the U.S. We’ve nothing but a bunch of politicians who are self-serving, greedy assholes posturing and acting as if they’re the best thing since sliced bread. We’ve a douche bag sitting in the White House who is an embarrassment to anyone with half a brain.

I’m just not certain there is hope for this nation any longer …and the world I see around me is not the world I ever wanted to become a part of.

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About The Author

54-years old and determined to sail through life with a smile (but sometimes brash as hell). LOL. Born and raised in Carlsbad, New Mexico but having lived more than half of my life in Texas. Raised with a strong faith in God but describe myself more as simply a faithful person rather than a Christian. (Too many people rely on their religious 'beliefs' as an excuse to maintain a closed mind rather than emulate the loving nature I believe Jesus Christ did represent.) Registered as a Democrat but fiscally I'm probably more likely to identify with the Republicans. Am equally disgusted with both parties at the moment and tired of the status quo in Washington, D.C. I'm a spiritualist who believes you should reach for your dreams and believes you can attain them, for the only thing that really stands between you and your goals ... is yourself. Favorite quote of recent is "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, the present is a 'present' (a gift)..." —Author unknown

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  1. Chris

    June 18, 2017 at 8:08 am

    I stumbled on your blog – hadn’t read it in ages. Not even sure of June 6 is this year or a previous year!

    Sorry to hear your news. At least you have a brother you communicate with. I can’t say as much.

    Don’t get obsessed with politics. There’s not much you can do about it. Focus on those things over which you have more control. Get some counseling if possible. If you have some friends willing to listen, talk to them – but don’t burden them with too much. Even the most caring people can get exhausted by other people’s problems (that’s a reason professional help is a good idea).

    Once you have another job you’ll be busy and have less time to think about your problems.

     
    • MichaelM

      August 10, 2017 at 2:25 am

      Thank you, Chris. This entry was made on June 6, 2017. Sorry for the late response. I’ve not been checking the blog as much of recent. Mood is lifting a bit. Still missing Mom greatly and imagine that will not change anytime soon but I’m not in quite as dark a place as I was for the first few months following her passing.