RSS
 

Posts Tagged ‘Email Forwards’

Penguins, Where Do They Go?

11 Dec

Did you ever wonder
why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?

Wonder no more !!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate
contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice,
using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough
for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then
gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow
        Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

(Then they kick him in the ice hole.)

Photo of Emporer penguin jumping off of ice bank

You really didn’t believe
that I know anything
about penguins, did you?
It’s so easy to fool OLD people.
I am sorry, the devil made me do it!!!
I fell for it too.

Received as an email-forward; I thought it was rather funny and worth sharing with others here. Hope you got a little chuckle out of this. Have a great day!

Share
 
2 Comments

Posted in Laughter

 

Fable of The Porcupine

11 Dec

Baby Porcupine   Baby Porcupine   Baby Porcupine

Fable of the porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. – Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story:  The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

(The real moral to the story? “LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.” LOL!!!)

Share
 
2 Comments

Posted in Laughter

 

An Open Letter to the Commander In Chief

10 Sep

The following is a letter written by Harold B. Estes, a “long-serving veteran of the U.S. Navy.” Estes is a retired Master Chief Boatswains Mate, promoted to the honorary rank of Pacific Feet Command Master Chief in 2007 at the age of 93 in recognition of his many years of voluntary service as the Navy’s goodwill ambassador in Hawaii.

I’m a registered voter and member of the Democratic party. However, neither did I vote for Barack Obama in the last election, nor will I vote for him in the forthcoming one. The man is a j-o-k-e, pure and simple. His wife is a joke, as well (among other things). I would have liked nothing more than to [later] realize that I was wrong and that I should have voted for my party in the last election. To date, nothing that has happened gives me reason to question my loyalty. (Of course, that doesn’t mean that I was all that impressed by John McCain or Sarah Palin either. McCain is on his deathbed and Palin; well, calling her a “joke” would be far too kind. /sigh/

I’m hopeful that the Republican party will throw their support behind somebody that I can respect and admire in the next election.

We shall see; enjoy the letter and feel free to post comments at the bottom.

Namaste,
Michael

Photo of Harold B. Estes

Dear President Obama,

My name is Harold Estes, approaching 95 on December 13 of this year. People meeting me for the first time don’t believe my age because I remain wrinkle free and pretty much mentally alert.

I enlisted in the U.S. Navy in 1934 and served proudly before, during and after WW II retiring as a Master Chief Bos’n Mate. Now I live in a “rest home” located on the western end of Pearl Harbor allowing me to keep alive the memories of 23 years of service to my country.

One of the benefits of my age, perhaps the only one, is to speak my mind, blunt and direct even to the head man.


Read the rest of this entry »

Share
 
No Comments

Posted in Politics

 

Muslims in America

05 Sep

I readily admit that I’ve a sense of prejudice when it comes to those of Middle-Eastern descent; have had ever since the terrorist attacks of 9-11-01 wherein I lost a good many people that I’d been working with alongside in Tower II. These were people I’d never seen but spoke to on the phone regularly, while working on a 400+ site transaction for U.S. Restaurant Properties.

Combining this with my already well-developed disdain for the conflict-ridden lands of the Middle East and my prejudice only grew.

I’m distressed by what I see as the manipulation of our country by outside interests and certainly disgusted by our leaders, as well. I believe it’s fair to ask the following two questions (received via email):

“CAN MUSLIMS BE GOOD AMERICANS?”
“CAN MUSLIMS BE GOOD CANADIANS?”

This is very interesting and we all need to read it from start to finish. And send it on to everyone. Maybe this is why our American Muslims are so quiet and not speaking out about any atrocities.

Can a good Muslim be a good American?

This question was forwarded to a friend who worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years. The following is his reply:

Theologically – no, because his allegiance is to Allah, the moon god of Arabia ..

Religiously – no, because no other religion is accepted by his Allah except Islam. (Quran, 2:256)(Koran)

Scripturally – no, because his allegiance is to the five Pillars of Islam and the Quran.

Geographically – no, because his allegiance is to Mecca , to which he turns in prayer five times a day.

Socially – no, because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make friends with Christians or Jews.

Politically – no, because he must submit to the mullahs (spiritual leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and destruction of America , the great Satan.

Domestically – no, because he is instructed to marry four Women and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him. (Quran 4:34 )

Intellectually – no, because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt. (Not so certain I’d agree with the claim that the Constitution is “based on Biblical principles.” That doesn’t sit right with me, considering that the forefathers had the good wisdom to value a separation of Church and State. However, this blog entry isn’t intended to be a discussion of whether we’re a Christian/religious nation or otherwise. Moving along…)

Philosophically – no, because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran does not allow freedom of religion and expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist. Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or autocratic.

Spiritually – no, because when we declare ‘one nation under God,’ The Christian’s God is loving and kind, while Allah is NEVER referred to as Heavenly father, nor is he ever called love in the Quran’s 99 excellent names.

Therefore, after much study and deliberation… Perhaps we should be very suspicious of ALL MUSLIMS in this country; they obviously cannot be both ‘good’ Muslims and ‘good’ Americans. Call it what you wish it’s still the truth.. You had better believe it. The more who understand this, the better it will be for our country and our future. The religious war is bigger than we know or understand!

Footnote: The Muslims have said they will destroy us from within SO FREEDOM IS NOT FREE.

THE MARINES WANT THIS TO ROLL ALL OVER THE U.S.
(Personally, I’m with the Marines on this one!)

Share
 
2 Comments

Posted in Politics

 

Jokes that can be told at Church

04 Sep

Click to view clean jokes in new browser windowTwo boys were walking home from Sunday school after
hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
    It’s probably just your Dad.

Attending a wedding for the first time,
a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, “Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
    “So why is the groom wearing black?”

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray,
    “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!”

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon,
    and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
“They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive,
    I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered, “Call for backup.”

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem ..
A small child replied, “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “Honour thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill..”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill.
She asked, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that. “Why?” my Grandson asked. “Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs,” I replied. At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart.” I was thinking quickly and said to him, “all Grandmas know stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh…. I get it! he beamed, So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the Grandpa.”

“Exactly,” I replied with a big smile on my face.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old..
You grow old because you stop laughing!
Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.
I thought you would enjoy this….
times are tough right now…for all of us…
so we need something to make the day a happy place.
“They” haven’t found a way to tax you for laughing yet.

Share
 
No Comments

Posted in Laughter

 

Panda Therapy

04 Sep

They’re cute and cuddly and often mistaken as “not being dangerous” (but they’re still a bear, a wild animal — so don’t be lulled into a false sense of safety around them!)

Still, we all need a little something to smile about in this economy… and I received an email with loads of photos of these cute creatures with the perfect captions appearing below the photo. I hope you’ll enjoy them as much as I did/do.

Panda Therapy

Is it any wonder that the world has fallen in love with these animals?
The captions are clever.

Mom? Can you come and get down now?
Mom? Can you come and get down now? 
Betcha can't see me.....
Betcha can’t see me….. 
Kung Fu Panda... bring it on!
Kung Fu Panda… bring it on! 
On the count of three.... Lift!
On the count of three…. Lift! 
I'm not coming out. You'll have to come in and get me.
I’m not coming out.
You’ll have to come in and get me.
Does this log make my butt look fat?
Does this log make my butt look fat? 
Oops! Slight miscalculation.
Oops! Slight miscalculation.
 
You go. I'll just stay here and rest my head a little...
You go. I’ll just stay here and rest my
head a little…  
It wasn't me! I didn't steal this bamboo shoot! It was just sitting here, I swear it!
It wasn’t me! I didn’t steal this bamboo shoot!
It was just sitting here, I swear it! 
Absolutely nothing accomplished. The perfect day for a panda...
Absolutely nothing accomplished.
The perfect day for a panda… 
I'll give you 2 seconds to get off me or I'm calling Mom.
I’ll give you 2 seconds to get off me or
I’m calling Mom.
Pardon me but do you have a napkin?
Pardon me but do you have a napkin?
Damn paparazzi! Could we have a little privacy please?
Damn paparazzi! Could we have a
little privacy please?
Dear Martha Stewart: I have this brown stain on my nice, white, fluffy butt...
Dear Martha Stewart:
I have this brown stain on my nice,
white, fluffy butt…
Shhh! I'm reviewing...
Shhh! I’m reviewing…
I cannot believe that I'm stuck in this tree agian. What is the matter with me?
I cannot believe that I’m stuck in this tree agian.
What is the matter with me?
I'm sure there's a way out somewhere. I saw an ant go this way yesterday.
I’m sure there’s a way out somewhere.
I saw an ant go this way yesterday.
Pandas looking for lost earrings....
Pandas looking for lost earrings….
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned…
Share
 
No Comments

Posted in Laughter

 

Cowboy Solution

28 Aug

Cowboy on the rangeI have lived, loved, lost and loved again. Life is not easy,….. but it is what it is.

Cowboy rules for:

Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

  1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
  2. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
  3. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
  4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.
  5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
  6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
  7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin’ in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
  8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
  9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
  10. We open doors for women. That’s applied to all women, regardless of age.
  11. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
  12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah …. We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat… IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!
  13. You bring ‘Coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
  14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
  15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards – it spooks the fish.
  16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won’t get it, but we’re friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!

And there is more………….

The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use…..

  • The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!
  • That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
  • The price of gas would come down…..

Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders….

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ….

Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military….

Give him a soldier’s pay while he’s there and tax him on it……

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country…..

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident…..

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves……..

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved…..

If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends………..

I just did……….

Received via email.

Share
 
 

GE Flies the Coop!

23 Aug

GE flies the coop!

General Electric is planning to move its 115-year-old X-ray division from Waukesha, Wis., to Beijing. In addition to moving the headquarters, the company will invest $2 billion in China and train more than 65 engineers and create six research centers. This is the same GE that made $5.1 billion in the United States last year, but paid no taxes-the same company that employs more people overseas than it does in the United States.

So let me get this straight. President Obama appointed GE Chairman Jeff Immelt to head his commission on job creation (job czar). Immelt is supposed to help create jobs.

I guess the President forgot to tell him in which country he was supposed to be creating those jobs.

If this doesn’t show you the total lack of leadership of this President, I don’t know what does.

— Received via email and reported as True on Snopes.com

Ever thought about how much compensation you can get for being a dirt bag who sends jobs overseas?

Wonder no more! According to Bloomberg Businessweek, Jeff Immelt, age 55, is estimated to make approximately $7,300,000.00 a year. It’s reported that as of fiscal year 2010, he’s accrued an estimated total compensation of $21,428,765.00 from General Electric. My God, talk about an overly compensated gasbag (he’s even managed to offend Tea Party activists; read about that here).

Immelt enjoys coming off as somebody who is concerned about American jobs, making statements such as “The emphasis needs to be on making the U.S. the world leader in developing new energy-efficient goods. The jobs will follow.

I’m curious; how does that statement tie in with his decision to invest two BILLION dollars in China’s economy rather than create more jobs right here at home?


Read the rest of this entry »

Share
 
 

“First Lady” or Prostitute?

26 Jul

(You be the judge…)

Photo of Michelle Obama, First Lady from Hell

Dear American Taxpayer

For only the second time in my adult life, I am not ashamed of my country.

I want to thank the hard working American people
for paying $242 thousand dollars for my vacation in Spain..

My daughter Sasha, several long-time family friends, my personal staff
and various guests had a wonderful time.

Honestly, you just haven’t lived until you have stayed in a $2,500.00
per night suite at a 5-Star luxury hotel.

Thank you also for the use of Air Force 2 and the 70 Secret Service
personnel who tagged along to be sure we were safe and cared for at all times.

Air Force 2 (which costs $11,351 per hour to operate according
to Government Accounting Office reports) only used 47,500 gallons of
jet fuel for this trip and carbon emissions were a mere 1,031 tons of CO2.
These are only rough estimates, but they are close.

That’s quite a carbon footprint as my good friend Al Gore would say.
So, we must ask the American citizens to drive smaller, more fuel efficient
cars and drive less too (so we can lessen our combined carbon footprint.

I know times are hard and millions of you are
struggling to put food on the table and trying to make ends meet.
I do appreciate your sacrifice and do hope you find work soon.
I was really exhausted after Barack took our family
on a luxury vacation in Maine a few weeks ago.
I just had to get away for a few days!

Cordially,
Michelle (Moochella) Obama

P.S. Thank you as well for the $2 BILLION trip to India we recently went on.
Love ya, mean it!

P.P.S. Oh, I almost forgot to say thanks also for our two-week trip to Hawaii
at Christmas. That 7,000 square foot house was great!

Remember the 2012 election is not too far away!!
It’s you little people who make our lives so wonderful.

Related Links:

New York Times: First Lady’s Spain Vacation Draws Criticism

At the time I posted this blog entry and according to 100LL.com, the cost of jet fuel on the eastern seaboard ranged from $5.96 to $6.00 PER GALLON. What does this mean to you? Only that you paid approximately $283,100.00 for the witch, her daughters and their friends to take a leisurely vacation to Spain. How “hopeful” are you feeling right about now? Just askin’ cause I sure as hell didn’t vote for the son-of-a-bitch and he hasn’t really done much personally as regards the leveling of the playing field for those (like myself) who have endured years of discrimination for being gay. Now I’m not only a second-class citizen but I’m no longer a member of the “Middle Class” either because it damn well doesn’t exist!

Carbonfund.org: Speaking of carbon footprints, the Obama administration and waste… Check out the logo on this website. I don’t believe the site is in any way affiliated with the current administration but the logo is strangely familiar all the same.

breadfortheworld: Urging our nation’s leaders to end hunger

Chicago Tribune: Ever wonder what it cost the American taxpayer every time Air Force One is put into action (never mind the daily, routine maintenance)?

TaxPayerTREASUREhunt.com: I do not vouch for the accuracy of the site but it does give a lot of information to consider (and as well, estimates the cost of operating Air Force Two at roughly $14,552.00 per hour).

About.com’s5 Wacky Myths about Obama” (interesting)

Share
 
9 Comments

Posted in Politics

 

How Hot Is It in Texas?

18 Jul

Or “One picture is worth a thousand words!”

Photo of Elliott, the English Bulldog laying on a bed of ice in driveway.

 This is Elliot, an English Bulldog, and this is an “un-posed” picture (trust me, you couldn’t actually make Elliot do anything) of said pooch trying to beat the TEXAS heat after his owners emptied their cooler in the driveway in Lamesa, Texas. 

Received via email… I couldn’t resist sharing with you (and NOW I want an English Bulldog!)

Share
 
6 Comments

Posted in Laughter