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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

You haven’t been discriminated against…

10 Apr

Life on the street till you’ve been singled out by a homeless person!

True story, a coworker has a gay friend (actually, she collects us like she collects hand bags but that’s a whole nuther matter!) We’ll call this particular friend “Chuff” for the time being. Chuff makes it a habit of buying a sandwich for the same homeless guy in his neighborhood (he lives in or near downtown) on Friday of each week.

Mind you; not on a Monday, Tuesday, Saturday or even on Wednesday; Chuff turns good Samaritan each and every Friday, buying this fellow a sandwich.

For now we’ll just refer to the homeless guy as “Billy Bob.” Billy Bob KNOWS to be at the same place every Friday afternoon or early that evening but LAST week was a bit different. On Thursday, Billy Bob went out of his way to get Chuff’s attention as he was driving up to the building where he, Chuff, lives. Billy Bob waved down his benefactor who, feeling as though he was already doing his charitable duty, reminded the homeless man “it was Thursday and to please leave him alone.”

Billy Bob says, “Naw, I’m not looking for my sam’wich today… I jest had a question for you. I hear tell you’re a little bit funny! Is that true?”

Chuff, thinking about the question with an earnest but quizzical look on his face, responds, “What? Funny? Well, I guess I could be described as funny.” Billy Bob realizes Chuff doesn’t understand what he’s suggesting so he repeats himself. “No, I mean funny” (while wiggling his hand up and down in a sort of effeminate manner). This is when Chuff realizes the homeless man is asking him if he’s “gay.”

(I’m certain, at this point, Chuff is thinking, “Are we REALLY having this conversation?”)

Billy Bob goes on to say some of his pals and he had been talking and they had said Chuff was “funny” — to which Chuff just says, “So? What does it matter?”

Get ready for it!

This is where our homeless fellow decides he’s simply got too much in the way of sound family values going for him and he’s GOT TO take a stand! He says, “Well, we can’t hang out anymore if you’re ‘funny.’” (Hang out? Is THAT what they were doing? I thought that Chuff was only buying Billy Bob a sandwich, as he had been doing for many years now.) Seriously, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried!

Chuff (who’s now in a HUFF) is thinking, “What the hell?!” Why is the homeless community talking about MY sex life? Haven’t they got anything better to talk about or to be concerned with?

So there you have it, folks! Chuff, who NEVER asked for anything in return – who only acted out of the kindness of his heart, has now been officially snubbed by the homeless man with values, never to be allowed to slip a little salami to Billy Bob ever, EVER again! (Did you really think that I could resist saying that? Come on! LOL)

Reminds me of the old Rodney Dangerfield quote: “I get no respect!” Sorry but if it’s a contest between family values and a roof over my head, food on the table and silver in my pocket I’ll take the latter as opposed to the cardboard box every time, my friend (and I’d wager so would you).

But lest you think this changes my attitude toward the homeless; it doesn’t. I’ll still go out of my way to give a person a hand-up if and when I’m moved to do so (which is fairly regularly). Just because “Billy Bob” is a di** doesn’t mean they are all narrow-minded a$$hats. {wink-wink!}

Speaking of douche bags, have you heard? Rick Santorum decided to suspend his run for the presidency. There is hope for America yet!

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Humor: Heavenly Speedster

04 Mar

The following is courtesy of Davide, friend and fellow blogger.

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

“Who’s going to tell” says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

“Please slow down, Your Holiness” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!” moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, “Who do you have there, the mayor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “A senator?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “The Prime Minister?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s God!”

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, “What makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “His chauffeur is the Pope!”

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Humor: The Hotel Bill

02 Mar

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London’s most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $1,250.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $1,250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast. “The clerk told her that $1,250.00 is the ‘standard rate’ so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: “The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them,” she said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here,” the Manager said. “But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. “But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $1,200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the very surprised Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with Senior Citizens

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Humor: Driving in Dallas

02 Mar

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If in Denton County and your Mapsco is one-day-old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. (Frisco has screwed everything up.)

Dallas has its own version of traffic rules… ‘Hold on and pray.’ There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. (We all drive like that.)

All directions start with, ‘Get on Beltline,’ which has no beginning and no end. (It REALLY DOESN’T!!!)

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that, we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, ‘Oh, we’re in Fort Worth!’

If someone actually has his or her turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually ‘Road Rage’ indicators – and remember, it’s legal to be armed in Texas..

All old ladies with blue hair in a Mercedes have the right of way. Period. And remember, it’s legal to be armed in Texas..

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the south end, it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman…

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. It also ends in Sherman.

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed… and remember, it’s legal to be armed in Texas

The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Pa rk is not ornamental!!

A trip across town east to west will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don’t let this confuse you.

LBJ is called ‘The Death Trap’ for two reasons: ‘death’ and ‘trap.’

If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round (if it’s Spring) – and it is the Texas State Fair if it’s Fall.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park. Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, and possibly a gunshot wound. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.

Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, racetracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Final Warning: Don’t Mess With Texas Drivers… remember, it’s legal to Be armed in Texas!

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Humor: What Kids Think

18 Feb

Isn't it precious when you see a young child deep in thought?

1.  How do you decide who to marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.

2.  What is the right age to get married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.


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Off-Color Humor

09 Jan

OMG! This would be me too if I were doing a video on wrapping packages and (1) my scissors were shit, (2) my tape dispenser didn’t work worth a crap and (3) the director was asking me to rotate a freaking SQUARE box… {Grins}

(For what it’s worth I prefer double-sided tape when wrapping gifts. It keeps all of the tape hidden away and all youse (a little Brooklin accent there!) see is the purdy (southern accent) wrappin’ paper! 🙂


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Taking it easy

08 Jan

Funny FotoToday is a day for giving thanks (and I give thanks every day for my sense of humor, for without it I don’t know what on earth could keep me sane in a world so full of fools). LOL! Just kidding (sort of); there is a lot that happens each day, in all of our lives I imagine. Things which test the limits of our patience and make us respond mentally with, “What a moron!” (or maybe it’s just me – I am special, after all …right? :p)

I had seen this photo on Facebook originally, tried to go to the website mentioned at the bottom of the original [photo] and the site no longer exists. In the process of searching for that site, I stumbled across another where I saw these lines (below). Most are amusing and let’s face it, we all need something to laugh about from time to time so enjoy.

(And if you don’t enjoy or understand them (or you just really, really enjoy walking around like you’ve got a stick up your butt) just laugh and pretend you liked them …kind of like when you scream out, “Oh, God! I’m #### with your boyfriend in bed and in truth, nothing of significance is really happening down there. Fake it till you make it, baby! Eventually, you’ll learn how to smile just like the rest of us po’-ho-folk.)

Lines from justlike.com:

  1. Eyeing your toys suspiciously after watching Toy Story.
  2. “feel my legs!!!”
    Why…?
    “I just shaved :)”
  3. Ending a presentation by saying “And, yeah…”
  4. I am a ninja..
    No your not..
    Did you see me do that?
    Do what?
    … exactly.
  5. Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant, I’m just getting drunk.
  6. When I hear myself eating crunchy food, I wonder if people can hear it too.
  7. Acting like your texting on your phone when you see someone you don’t want to talk to.
  8. “Mom, im 16 now. Can I have a Bra?”
    …No, Justin.
  9. Truth or Dare?
    Dare
    …. No i’m not doing that.
  10. Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil.
  11. Everything i know in life i learned from friends – • Never use “we were on a break” as an excuse • Remember it’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy and it is a big deal • Everybody has a lobster • Quitting the gym is just as hard as quitting the bank • For more space in bed, use “hug and roll” technique • Yemen is a good place to escape unwanted girlfriends • You can do a lot with just cups and ice • Always say the right name at the alter • Powder and lotion will not help remove “Hot!”
  12. Saying oh! like you get it. But you still have no idea.
  13. Having sex is like playing poker. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  14. All my life I’ve been saying duck tape not duct tape
  15. Sorry, I’m allergic to bullshit.
  16. Your fourteen, you smoke cigarettes and weed, you drink, you’re not a virgin, your boyfriend is 18 and you dress like a slut because the older girls do. You swear because it makes you look cool. Welcome to whyalla
  17. Ew, don’t honk at me, you’re like 80.
  18. I WANNA GET CHOCOLATE WASTED!!!!!
  19. Agreeing with people so they’ll shut up.
  20. Rawwwr means I Love You in dinosaur 🙂

As I said earlier, we all need to laugh (even if it means taking ourselves a little less seriously for a short while). Oh, and I’ll NEVER admit the significance of #19 in my own life. ROFL!!

Namaste,
Michael

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Merry Christmas!

22 Dec

Cartoon character of reindeer with ornaments on antlersAccording to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December; HOWEVER, Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should’ve known…

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Merry Christmas!!!

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Penguins, Where Do They Go?

11 Dec

Did you ever wonder
why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?

Wonder no more !!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate
contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice,
using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough
for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then
gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow
        Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

(Then they kick him in the ice hole.)

Photo of Emporer penguin jumping off of ice bank

You really didn’t believe
that I know anything
about penguins, did you?
It’s so easy to fool OLD people.
I am sorry, the devil made me do it!!!
I fell for it too.

Received as an email-forward; I thought it was rather funny and worth sharing with others here. Hope you got a little chuckle out of this. Have a great day!

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Lil’ Bit O Humor

08 Dec

Doing a little bit of email Spring cleaning and thought I would entertain you with some of the humorous emails that others have seen fit to share with me.

The Tax Return

They sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!!

In response to the question: “List all dependents?”

I replied – “12 million illegal immigrants; “3 million crack heads; “42 million unemployable people on food stamps, “2 million people in over their heads 243 million prisoners; “Half of Mexico; and, “535 idiots in the U.S. House and Senate.”

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer!!


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